


Save Me

by EliseIeroWayToro



Category: My Chemical Romance
Genre: Care Homes, Haunted Houses, M/M, Murder
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-04-08
Updated: 2014-07-21
Packaged: 2018-01-18 15:49:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 10,835
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1434130
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EliseIeroWayToro/pseuds/EliseIeroWayToro
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“My mother always told me how happiness is the key to life. How people would beg you to keep fighting even if you felt there was no reason to. Because someone out there loves you.</p><p>“She always told me there is no point fighting for anything if you don’t believe in it. If you don’t put your heart and soul into fighting for what is right. She told me how life would find a way to challenge you and all you had to do was hold your hope close and fight through it.</p><p>“The day she died, she left me with some strong words, some words I carry with me to this day. Some words that make me want to keep fighting. She left me with this: -</p><p>“‘If you are fighting for something, make sure it is right. Don’t fight for things that will leave you broken. Because then where will you be? Back at the beginning.</p><p>“‘You must fight for what you love and fight for what you need. If you find something worth fighting for, then never give up. Giving up is a sign of weakness, and you are not weak, not one bit.</p><p>“‘Remember, you will be able to do this. Even without me by your side. You can fight for everything you believe to be right because it is what makes you strong.’”</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Unbroken Normality

“Frank, get your lazy ass out of bed!” Yelled Bob from the other side of my door, his fist pounding on the wood. “We’ve got a new housemate coming in today and you need to meet him!”  
“Argh, go away!” I shouted as I pulled my duvet back up over my head.  
“He’s cute.” Bob teased. “I think you’d like him.”  
“I don’t wanna meet him.” I sneered as I curled up into a tiny ball, fed up of yet another rude awakening.  
“Well, tell your tiny boner to relax then.”  
“I don’t have a tiny dick!” I yelled as I rolled out of bed and pulled the door open. “And you of all people should know that Bob.”  
“I begged you not to bring that up.” He whispered.  
“Well don’t fucking wake me up and I won’t remind you how you begged me to fuck you.” I sneered as I reached for the light switch and flipped it, plunging the whole corridor into darkness. “Or how you chickened out as soon as you saw me naked.”  
“Frank, please don’t…” Bob whimpered.  
“Oh shut up. I’m fucking 16, you really think I would have fucked you in the first place? God, my first time was better than that ever could have been and I didn’t even want it.”  
  
“Frank.” Scolded Brian as he walked down the corridor, a packet of paperwork in his hands. “What did I tell you about this?”  
“Don’t pull on the fact I got left here because I was raped. Nope. Just forget it happened and act normal.” I quoted sarcastically.  
“Good, now clear your stuff off the spare bed in your room. The new kid is bunking with you.”  
“What?” I practically yelled, glaring after Brian as he walked down the corridor.  
“It’s the only space we’ve got at the minute Frank, what with the whole of the west wing being out of action.”  
“Fuck you Brian.” I hissed as I walked back into my room and slammed the door.  
  
****  
  
“Damn you.” I snapped as I tried to straighten my books on the shelf, either end wobbling as I added another to the stack.  
“Need some help?” Asked an unfamiliar voice. I spun on my heels, the pile of books collapsing as I let go.  
“Who the fuck are you?”  
“I’m Gerard Way, your room-mate…” He said, his hand outstretched.  
“I’m Frank, no help needed so long as you follow the rules.” I sneered as he dropped his bag onto the recently made bed.  
“Sure, tell me the rules and I’ll be glad to comply.  
“One, don’t touch me, ever, even if it looks like I need help. Not one finger is to touch me. Two, touch my stuff and you better start planning your funeral because I certainly am not doing that for you. Three, leave my fucking guitar alone. Four, be fucking quiet or I’ll sew your mouth shut, understand?” I explained, counting them all off on my hands.  
“Sure, I think I’ve got that.” Gerard agreed as he tugged open the wardrobe on his side of the room and began emptying his bags.  
  
“What you here for?” I asked, curiosity getting the better of me as he kept tugging his shirt down over his hips, his hand running through his crimson red hair.  
“I uh… It’s a long story.” Gerard muttered as a growl of frustration left his lips.  
“Well, we got a long time to get to know each other. What you here for?” I pushed, chuckling softly as he became uncomfortable.  
“You really don’t want to know.” He stuttered.  
“Oh, I totally do. You tell me why you’re here and I’ll tell you my story.” I chuckled.  
“God, uh where to begin… My mother and baby brother were murdered by my dad who then put the gun to his own head? Or do you want the long winded story where I was made to watch him torture them before he killed himself?”  
“Ooooh, that sounds like a creepy story.” I laughed.  
“Well, what’re you doing here?” Gerard asked, crossing his arms protectively over his chest.  
“Mom died when I was four, lived with my dad for three years till he raped me. His girlfriend walked in when it was happening, simples. That is my story.” I rambled off, keeping out the gory details, knowing that he would want them later.  
“Shit dude…” Gerard began.  
  
“You fucking tell me you are sorry and you will regret it.” I snapped as I dropped onto my bed, my legs crossed at the ankles.  
“I wasn’t gonna say sorry… I was gonna ask if you’re okay.” Gerard stated.  
“Well, I haven’t been able to stand human contact since. I refuse adoption from every family that comes here because I am scared they’d do the same, I can’t go near certain people and I struggle to sleep. Does it look like I’m okay?”  
“Dude, you don’t have to be, just so long as you won’t flip out on me.”  
“I won’t.” I promised as the clock ticked over to 6pm, my stomach rumbling. “It’s food time. You coming or are you staying here?”  
“Uh, I’ll come.” Gerard replied as he followed me from the room, tugging the door closed behind him.  
  
“So who’s who?” Gerard asked as I dropped into a chair, Gerard taking the one opposite. “And why aren’t any of them sitting with you?”  
“Everyone thinks I’m weird and uh, I can point out who’s who if you really wanna know. Then you can avoid sitting with little old me.” I thanked the lady who brought me over my plate of food and grabbed a fork from the pot. “Right, afro dude over there? That’s Ray.” I pointed to him with the end of my fork, laughing slightly as he hit himself in the face with the ketchup bottle. “On his left is Brendon and on his right is Bob. Opposite Bob you have Matt, Ross and Joe. The table next to the window has Patrick, Pete, Ryan, Tay and Taylor. This table here.” I said as I pointed towards the one next to the kitchen. “Is Ben, Danny, James, Cameron, Sam and Amy. There are more, but we usually come down to meals in stages, it makes it easier on the cooks.”  
“How many kids are here?” Gerard asked as he speared a carrot with his fork.  
“Well, including those I just told you… I have no fucking idea. There are kids in and out of here all the time so I never really pay attention to everyone apart from the long timers like Ray, Bob, Matt, and Cameron. They’ve been here almost as long as I have.”  
  
****  
  
I watched Gerard closely in the recreation room, observing how he stayed away from people, his sketchbook on his lap a variety of pencils clutched in his fingers. Brian watched me watching Gerard, obviously curious as to what I was doing, so I averted my eyes choosing to focus, instead, on whatever crappy show was on TV at the time.  
  
“Frank, your doctor’s here.” Brian whispered in my ear, startling me from my daydream.  
“But it’s late.” I whined.  
“And he told you he was going on holiday so he would check up on you before he left. Come on, he’s in the dining room.” Brian hissed as he helped me to my feet and led me from the room.  
“I don’t wanna go.” I stated as I folded my arms over my chest protectively.  
“Frank, this is the last appointment for a couple of months. Get it over and done with and we’ll treat you to that amp you’ve been after for the past three weeks.”  
“Promise?”  
“Promise.” Brian agreed, his eyes on the back of my head as I walked into the room.  
  
“Doctor Fields.” I greeted as I took my seat opposite the greying doctor.  
“Frank, how are you doing?” He asked, his usual cheery grin still on his face.  
“I’m fine.” I replied as I crossed my legs underneath me, my elbows on the hardwood table.  
“I heard there is a new person living here. How’re you adapting to that?”  
“Pretty well I guess.” I sighed, knowing Doctor Fields was going to ask more questions.  
“Explain please Frank. I know he’s been put in your room which has been your sanctuary since I began seeing you. This has to have some issues.”  
“Well, yeah, it does but I can’t exactly change that can I? I know that he’s gonna be there until they fix the west wing but that’s been fucked since I moved here so it’s gonna be a hell of a long time.” I explained.  
“How are you going to cope? I know you lashed out at the last occupant and they moved into a different room. You can’t do that again Frank.”  
“I’ve set some rules. I told him from the beginning not to touch my stuff or me and to just leave me alone, he seemed to understand.”  
“Good. Now, I’m going to have to cut this short, but I hope you can understand that I’m on the other end of the phone if you need me.” Doctor Fields stood up and handed me a small card. “This is my number. Don’t hesitate Frank. I don’t want you to deteriorate.”  
“Thanks.” I mumbled as I grabbed the card and slid it into the pocket of my pants.  
  
****  
  
I slammed my bedroom door behind me and threw myself onto my bed, screams of anger leaving my lips as I punched the pillows beneath my head. I heard the door open and close and felt the air move around me. “I swear to fucking god if you touch me I will snap your neck.” I hissed as a shadow came to rest on the wall by my head.  
“Frank, keep calm, tell me what’s wrong.” Brian whispered as I sat on the edge of my bed.  
“I saw him. I fucking saw him and I couldn’t… He fucking smiled at me like he hadn’t done anything wrong and I just walked away.”  
“Frank, who did you see?” Brian asked, his hands folded in his lap.  
“My dad. My fucking dad. I thought they locked him up. I thought he was never going to see the light of day again. I thought he was gone.” I sobbed, my screams of terror turning into whimpers of pain.  
“He won’t get you Frank. I promise.” Brian whispered as he climbed to his feet. “It’s late and Gerard needs to come to bed. Do you think you can keep it down for me?” I hesitated before nodding, angrily wiping the tears away from under my eyes.  
  
Gerard slid quietly into the room and thanked Brian before closing the door and stumbling through the dark to his bed. “You can turn on the light.” I sniffed, curling up smaller on top of my covers.  
“Thanks.” Gerard whispered before a bright light flooded the room, my eyes snapping shut against it.  
“‘s alright.” I mumbled into my pillow as I waited for the tears to dry.  
  
I could hear Gerard rummaging through his unpacked bag, frustrated noises echoing around his room as he hunted for what he needed. A relieved cry left his lips as he stood up, his shadow hovering over my bed before he flicked off the light, the rustling of bed sheets reaching my ears. “G’night Frank.” He murmured.  
“Night.” I replied as I fumbled with my belt buckle, kicking my pants down to the bottom of the bed and tugging the covers up to my head.  
  
****  
  
Stifled sobs woke me from my sleep, my eyes taking seconds to adjust to the darkness as I pulled the blankets down from over my head. “I miss you Mikes.” Gerard whimpered, thinking I was still asleep. “I wish I hadn’t told him. I wish he wasn’t mad and you were still here. I mean, you are, but you’re not here. The hospital say’s you’re doing better. They say that you should be able to wake up soon. I hope you do Mikey, but then you can’t because mom and dad won’t be here and you’ll have to come somewhere like this and you’ll freak out and I can’t let that happen Mikes.”  
  
“Gerard?” I asked, my nose stuffed up. A startled squeak emanated from the other side of the room before Gerard replied.  
“Yeah?”  
“What’s wrong?” I asked, strangely concerned about him.  
“Nothing.” He sniffed, bed covers rustling as he tried to get comfortable.  
“I know you’re lying Gerard. I’ve done it before you know. Pretend I’m alright when I’m not. It doesn’t help. It’s why I have a doctor.”  
“I’m never going to be okay. I lost my mom and my dad in one day, my brother might never wake up and now I’m all alone.” Gerard took a deep breath, sighing when another sob broke free. “I’m all alone.”  
“We can be alone together.” I muttered as I rolled over to face his bed, his eyes glinting in the moonlight coming in through the window.  
“Thank you.” Gerard muttered as he smiled softly, the movement barely reaching me through the darkness.  
  
****  
  
“Oi, small dick, it’s time to get up!” Yelled Bob from the other side of the door, Ray’s familiar laugh reaching my ears.  
“Fuck off.” I groaned, burying my face in my pillows.  
“Come on! You have to show Gerard to school. Brian say’s you’re the only person he’ll talk to.” Ray teased, poking his head around the corner of the door.  
“I said fuck off.” I groaned as I rolled away from them, smiling when I saw Gerard was still asleep.  
“Brian will be mad if he has to come and wake you up.” Bob stated, his face paling as footsteps worked their way down the corridor. “Shit, Ray, let’s get out of here.” He squeaked as the door slammed closed, Brian opening it seconds later.  
  
“Boys, up now.” Brian ordered.  
“Brian, kill me now.” I retorted as I hugged my blankets closer.  
“Frank, I’ve let you skip a whole week. You need to go back now. Gerard needs someone to show him around and make sure he gets settled. He won’t talk to anyone else. Please?”  
“Fine.” I snapped as I rolled out of bed, my t-shirt twisted where I had slept in it, imprints from the duvet marring my thighs.  
  
****  
  
Gerard’s face went pale as we stepped onto the school bus, his binders clutched tightly to his chest, his eyes wide as he saw the people he had to see every morning for the foreseeable future. “Come with me.” I hissed in his ear as I worked my way towards the back, dropping onto the only free bench. Gerard slid in beside me, fear etched into his features. “It’s cool, they won’t hurt you, just don’t show them your weaknesses.”  
“I don’t have any.” He hissed, his face still ghostly white.  
“Really? Tell them that and they’ll find them for you.” I promised as I stared out the window, watching the trees fly past.  
  
His reaction was even funnier when he saw the school, his jaw dropping as the stone walls came into view. “This is the school?” He asked in awe.  
“Yup, welcome to Greenhaven, school for the troubled.” I snickered.  
“Troubled? I’m not troubled.” Gerard denied instantly.  
“Oh, everyone says that and most are right, at least for the first day.” I laughed as I followed him off the bus, gesturing to a squat building with slate grey walls. “That’s the admin office. It’s where we’re gonna pick up your schedule and a map. Everything else is in that building.” I motioned over my shoulder to the imposing manor house.  
  
“It looks haunted.” Gerard whispered in my ear as we wandered through the corridors, his eyes on each of the paintings, tapestries and sculptures we passed.  
“Probably is.” I replied as we sank into some chairs at the back of the classroom, my head instantly hitting the desk in front of us.  
  
A familiar but distinct voice spoke out at the front of the room, murmurs of apprehension filling the room at the mention of a new teacher. “I’m Mr Iero and I’m your new homeroom teacher. Now lets set out some rules…”  
  
I didn’t hear what the rules were. My heart was thumping in my ears, my stomach fighting to keep down the pop-tarts I had eaten for breakfast. “Frank?” Gerard whispered as I groaned quietly. “Frank, are you alright?”  
“I need you to cause a distraction. I need to get out of here.” I whimpered as I slid my arms into the straps on my backpack.  
“Sure.” Gerard agreed as he began tearing paper out of his notebook.  
“Thanks.” I muttered as I climbed to my feet and ran from the room, ignoring looking at the figure at the front of the room.  
  
****  
  
Me and Gerard sat on opposite sides of Brian, his face angry as he spoke to the headteacher. I ignored every word that was being said as I tried to calm myself, my breathing ragged, Gerard’s eyes on my as my vision swam.  
  
****  
  
“Wha…?” I groaned as I sat up, my heart thudding against my ribcage as I saw my poster covered bedroom walls. “How the fuck did I get here?” I whimpered as I placed my hand on my forehead, hoping to quiet the pounding inside.  
“I carried you.” Whispered Gerard. “You passed out and you wouldn’t wake up so I picked you up and carried you.”  
“Why?” I asked, my voice hoarse.  
“It was your dad wasn’t it? That man? It’s why you had to escape.”  
“How did you know?”  
“You have the same face shape. Your nose is the same too. But I guessed it was because Brian got really mad when he found out who took your homeroom. I brought you home.”  
“Thank you.”  
“You’re not going to yell at me for touching you?” Gerard asked incredulously. I shook my head and lay down again, squeezing my eyes shut. “Why not?”  
“Because it means that I got away from him. Don’t let it happen again though.” I muttered.  
“Promise.” Gerard muttered before he stood up and left, the bedroom door closing seconds later.  
  
I curled up into a ball, my chest heaving as I thought about how close to him I had been. Even with all of my efforts, tears streaked down my face, eyeliner staining the pillows beneath my head. I sobbed quietly, using the cushions to block the sound, biting my fist to stop the noise breaking free. Nobody needed to hear me cry, not again. Not after all this time pretending to be strong.


	2. Reliving my Past

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I leave for Spain on Friday, so this is gonna be the last update for a while. I'll publish a chapter when I get back<3

“Frank?” Gerard asked as he pushed the door open.  
“Go away.” I muttered, hugging my pillow closer to my chest.  
“Frank, tell me what’s wrong.” Gerard pushed as he sat on his bed, his eyes on me.  
“I said go away. I don’t want to tell you what’s wrong.” I snapped and rolled over so I couldn’t see him.  
“I’m not going away until you tell me what’s wrong.” He snickered.  
“Why the hell not? It’s not as if you can help now is it?”  
“You never know.”  
“Oh fuck off.” I snapped as I climbed to my feet and tugged a hoodie over my shoulders.  
“Where are you going?” Gerard asked.  
“Away from here so piss off and leave me alone.”  
  
My feet led me down the stairs and through the recreation room, ignoring anyone that tried to talk to me. I kept walking towards the west wing, knowing that no other kids would be willing to go in there, their fear that the floor would collapse stopping them from following me. “Frank!”  
“Fuck off Ray!” I yelled as I pushed through the door and let it swing closed behind me.  
  
The floor was covered with puddles, the ceiling collapsing in random places. Wind howled through the open windows, the catches broken from when the fire tore through it. The rooms still held the charred possessions of the people who slept in these rooms. Old toys and piles of clothes releasing the stale smell of smoke.  
  
Ever since the fire, no-one has made any attempt to come and rescue the belongings, leaving me a place to hide if I needed it. So I came here, exploring each of the rooms to see if I could pin who lived where. It actually wasn’t as hard as it seemed. My old room, the one I lived in for the space of a week, was on the top floor, right in the left corner of the building. From there, it only took closing my eyes to remember where each person slept.  
  
I padded through the corridor, dodging the puddles so my converse wouldn’t get soaked. Shadows from the trees outside flitted over the walls as the sun moved across the sky. I could see Bob and Matt playing soccer on the field, their eyes roaming towards the windows as I moved, my footsteps echoing off the stone walls.  
  
“Frank?” Echoed Brian’s voice. “Frank where are you?”  
“Go away!” I yelled as I slid behind a pillar and pushed open the door behind it. The stairs creaked under my weight as I climbed up towards the attic.  
“Frank, it’s not safe.” Brian shouted.  
“Like you’ve cared before now!” I yelled. “It’s never bothered you.”  
“Frank, please, just come and talk to me. I want to help.”  
“Go and help all those other kids that actually want to find a way out of here, not me because I don’t.” I said, knowing that my voice would carry down the stairs to Brian.  
“I’m coming up Frank, just… please don’t move any further.” Brian pleaded as his shadow climbed up the walls.  
“I’m never going to talk to you. You can’t help.” I said, backing away from the top of the stairs.  
“I can help Frank, you just need to let me.”  
“You can’t help when I want to die. I escaped him and now he’s back again. Imagine living with that? I have to see him when I go to school, I have to sit in the same room as him for an hour every day. I can’t escape what he did to me if I’m alive. I have to end it Brian. I have to end it today.”  
  
“Frank, please don’t.” He begged, the stairs creaking. “I can help you. You can’t give in.”  
“I’m not giving in, not now. I gave in a long time ago. I’m just letting him win. He has to win.” I sobbed as my back hit the wall behind me.  
“Please Frank, come back down here.” Brian pleaded, another voice joining him on the stairs.  
  
“Frank, please, I can’t lose you.” Gerard called, his voice shaking.  
“I don’t care Gerard. Everyone is better off without me.”  
“No Frank, they’re not. You are the first person I spoke to since they died. Do you really think I would be better off without you?”  
“Yes.” I replied simply as I turned from the staircase and ducked underneath one of the beams.  
“Frank, that’s a lie. Just… let me come and talk to you. I can help you.” Gerard pushed, hissing at Brian as he attempted to come towards me. “I won’t let anything happen to you.”  
“Liar!” I yelled, ducking into my hidey hole and closing the door, plunging myself into darkness.  
  
“I’m not lying.” Gerard whispered, his voice on the other side of the door. “I promise Frank. I lost people I care about to something violent, I won’t let the same thing happen to you.”  
“Prove it.” I whimpered, flinching as something brushed the back of my neck.  
“Come out of there and I will.” Gerard mumbled, the floor creaking as he changed positions.  
  
I hesitated before pushing the door open, glaring at Gerard before pushing past him and towards the back stairs, avoiding Brian like he had the plague. Gerard followed me, keeping his distance, but just close enough that he wouldn’t lose sight of me.”Where are we going?” He asked.  
“Wherever the fuck Brian can’t find me.” I snapped as I turned left and led him down a whole new corridor.  
“Are you going to tell me what’s wrong?”  
“Are you going to fuck off and leave me alone?” I snapped as I pushed a door open, coughing as the dust flew up my nose.  
“Not until you tell me what’s wrong.” Gerard replied.  
“Well, I’ll just get you lost then.” I sneered as I picked up my pace, running down corridors and through doors at a pace which meant Gerard wouldn’t be able to keep up.  
  
When I was sure I had lost him, I dropped to the floor, tears streaking through the dust coating my cheeks, my chest heaving as I fought to be quiet. I shoved my fist into my mouth, biting down as sobs wracked my body, my breathing coming in gasps. I’m sorry I thought I’m sorry that you didn’t kill me. I pulled my knees up to my chest, my back against the wall behind me, my head pounding as I listened to each of the creaks and groans of the building.  
  
Footsteps echoed around the room, my eyes darting up and searching for the culprit. “Go away!” I shouted. “Leave me alone!”  
“Frank, come with me.” Whispered Gerard, reaching his hand out towards me, tugging it away when I glared at it. “Come on, we need to get you out of here.”  
“I’m not going anywhere!” I yelled, my voice echoing off the walls surrounding us.  
“Frank…”  
“Leave me the fuck alone or I will break your fucking neck Gerard. There is no way you can help me so just accept that.”  
“I can help.” He pushed. “I can make you forget it all. Trust me.”  
“I don’t want to fucking forget! It shows me how dirty and unclean and easy I am.”  
“Frank, you couldn’t have changed what happened. You were seven. It wasn’t your fault. It was your dad’s.”  
“It’s not going to change the fact he raped me! It’s not going to change the fact that I don’t want to be here. I want to die Gerard, why can’t anyone accept that?” I yelled, flinching away from his outstretched hand.  
“Come here.” Gerard ordered, his arms hung limply by his side. I complied, climbing to my feet and walking towards him.  
  
“You see this?” He asked as he gestured at his face. “This is the face of someone who cares Frank. This is the face of someone who wants to see you get better. Understand that, and I can help. But you keep pushing me away and it’s never going to work.”  
“Why do you care? You’ve known me for less than a week.” I sniffled.  
“I care because you are human. I care because you need support. I care because I know what it feels like, thinking you are worthless, or to blame for what happened. I care because I know that you’re scared. You’re scared what he’ll do if he ever get’s his hands on you. You’re scared that he’ll hurt you again, that he’ll hurt everyone you care about so you don’t let anyone get close. That’s why I care Frank.” Gerard explained, reaching out to steady me as I swayed, his hands inches away from my skin. “Can I?” He asked, motioning towards my arms. I hesitated before nodding slowly.  
  
Gerard stepped forwards and wrapped his arms around me, his chin resting on top of my head, his thumbs drawing small circles on my back. “I care because I’m human Frank.” He whispered as I lifted my arms, gingerly wrapping them around his waist.  
  


* * *

Bob and Ray stood at the other end of the recreation room, their eyes on me as I tuned my guitar. It wasn’t often that I practiced in here, but when I did, everyone liked to watch. I wasn’t practicing though. I was tuning her up before putting her away. “What’re you playing Frank?” Called Pete as he climbed to his feet, his hand brushing Patrick’s shoulder.  
“Nothing dude, I’m tuning her up, I got a lesson later.”  
“Play something.” He begged, stepping back when Gerard walked into the room.  
“Nahh, later though.” I promised as I climbed to my feet, my guitar clutched in my fingers as I left the room, Ben following me.  
  
“Why did Pete step back when Gerard walked in?” I asked as we walked to my room.  
“Uh… that’s a hell of a funny story actually.” Ben chuckled, holding the stairwell door open for me.  
“Well, if it’s so funny, then you wouldn’t mind telling me.” I snapped back as I started up the staircase.  
“Oh, sure… You see, Gerard practically ran after you when you went into the west wing because he was scared you would hurt yourself. He looks at you with doe eyes, he follows you everywhere and refused to move when Brian offered him a different room.”  
“What are you getting at?” I asked as I dropped onto my bed, my legs crossed underneath me.  
“Well, he likes you.”  
“I know.” I replied, confused.  
“No, he like likes you.”  
“Oh… Ohhh.” I said as I realised what he meant.  
“Yeah.” Ben whispered his eyes drifting lower and lower.  
“What’re you thinking?” I asked.  
  
“You’ve never….?” He asked.  
“Never what?”  
“Had…. uh….” Ben faltered, his cheeks red.  
“Sex? No, not consensual.” I replied, unsure where this conversation was going.  
“I can change that.” He muttered as he closed the gap between us, his hand resting on my crotch as he forced his lips onto mine.  
  
I tensed, my heart thudding against my chest. I pushed at his chest, hard, trying to push him away but failing. When he moved back to catch his breath, I screamed, his fist connecting with the side of my face to silence me. “Shut up.” He hissed as he slid his hands inside my pants, palming me through my boxers.  
  
The door slammed open, Brian, Danny and Gerard filling the space. “Get off him!” Roared Danny, flying forwards and tackling Ben to the floor.  
“Are you okay?” Gerard asked as he stepped towards my bed, his arms raised in surrender, his face filled with concern. I shook my head, tears streaming down my face.  
“Danny, get Ben out of here, Gerard, go and get me an ice pack.” They both nodded before running off to complete their tasks  
  
“Frank, it’s okay, you can relax now.” Brian soothed, his arms by his side as he looked at me.  
“He fucking… it nearly happened again… oh god Brian… Fuck… No… shit, please god.” I ranted, my words blurring into one as I tried to complete a sentence.  
“He didn’t. It’s okay Frank.”  
“He touched me. He fucking touched me.” I whimpered, crossing my arms over my chest protectively.  
“Frank, calm down.” Brian whispered, his voice low.  
“I’m going to fucking kill him!” I yelled as I lunged forwards off the bed and headed towards the door, stopping when Gerard’s form filled it. “Move.” I ordered.  
“You’re bleeding.” Gerard pointed out, motioning towards the corner of my mouth.  
“I fucking know.” I sneered as I pushed through the empty door and headed towards the stairs.  
  
Gerard grabbed my wrist as I got to the top of the stairs, tugging me into his chest as the tears spilled over. “Get the fuck off of me!” I yelled as I shoved his chest. “Don’t fucking touch me!”  
“Frank, you can’t hurt him. Brian is dealing with it. Let me get you cleaned up.” Gerard pleaded, his hand over his chest.  
“I’m going to kill him.” I snapped as I stormed towards my bedroom, throwing myself onto my bed and curling into a ball. “I’m going to make him fucking pay. He’s going to regret touching me.”  
“Calm down Frank.” Gerard muttered as he handed me some paper towel and a mirror so I could clean up the blood, my cheek already beginning to bruise.

* * *

Gerard closed the curtains, his eyes on me as he turned off the light and sat on his bed. “I’m not sleeping until you do.” He whispered as he got comfy with a copy of The Shining and a torch.  
“You should.” I yawned. “I’m not going anywhere.” I lied, my arms tucked against my chest, my jaw aching.  
“Just sleep Frank.”  
“Do you like me?” I asked.  
“Yeah.” Gerard stated.  
“As more than a friend?”  
“Yeah.”  
“Then cuddle me.” I whispered. I wasn’t sure he had heard, but then the flutter of pages said he was closing his book, the edge of my bed sinking as he sat down.  
“Are you sure?” Gerard asked.  
“Yeah.” I muttered as I made space for him, his eyes glinting in the darkness.  
  
Gerard lay down and wrapped his arms around my shoulders, his chest flush against my back, his breath tickling the back of my neck. “Is this alright?” He asked.  
“Yeah.” I muttered as I closed my eyes.


	3. To Fly

Warm breath on the back of my neck woke me up, my heart pounding as I rolled away from the source. I held in a scream when I saw Gerard in my bed, his hair messed up and his eyes closed, asleep.  
  
“What the fuck?” I hissed as I climbed from my bed and looked down at my body.  _Thank God I’m still dressed._  I thought as I stood staring at my bed, unsure of what to do.  
“Frankie?” Gerard asked, his breathing still slow, his eyes still closed.  
“Yeah?” I muttered, unsure if he was actually awake. When I got no reply I grabbed some clothes from my drawers and ran towards the bathroom, slamming and locking the door behind me.  
  
Silent sobs escaped me as I leant against the door, my head hanging, my heart thumping. I went dizzy as I straightened out, my hand reaching for the dials that controlled for the water temperature. Once the cold water was all the way off, I stood under the scalding stream and grabbed the nearest soap, lathering it up and scrubbing my skin, wincing as I tore at the flesh.  
  
“Get off me!” I snapped as I tore away the memory of Gerard’s touch, the way he wrapped his arms around me and held me close, the way he vowed to protect me, the way he made me shiver with pleasure.  
  
When I pulled my nails away from my skin, trickles of blood followed, the soap stinging the fresh wounds, tears pricking at the corners of my eyes. “I’m dirty. I’ll never be clean. I’ll always be a toy.” I muttered as I dried myself off, pushing the blood stained towel to the bottom of the linen basket. “I’m never going to be good enough.”  
  
“Frank, you’ve been in there half an hour, I need to use the bathroom!” Bob screamed from the other side of the door. “Hurry up!”  
“Don’t rush me.” I sneered.  
“Get out of there.” He whimpered, his voice sounding desperate.  
“Fine.” I snapped as I tugged the door open, Bob’s jaw dropping as he realised I was naked. “See what happens when you rush me?”  
“Uh…get dressed?” He begged as he turned and fled.  
  
When I had my skinny jeans on, I left the room and walked towards my bedroom, my breath hitching in my throat when I saw Gerard’s half awake face staring at me through the gloom. “Last night never happened.” I hissed as I slammed the door shut and carried on getting changed, my cheeks flushing when I felt Gerard’s eyes on my back. “Because I swear to God, if you tell anyone, I will wring your neck until your eyes burst out of your skull.  
“Why?” He asked groggily, running his fingers through his hair.  
“Does it matter why?” I snapped as I grabbed my eyeliner and tugged the cap off of it.  
“A little.” He yawned, my bedcovers rustling as he sat up, exposing his chest.  
“Are you really that desperate to know?” I sneered as I turned around, my eyes widening at the muscles that were usually hidden beneath shirts. Gerard nodded. “Why does it bother you so much? I asked you to give me a hug. That was it. We didn’t exactly fuck.” I ranted, a lump forming in my throat.  
“Frank, tell me, please?” He pleaded, yawning as he stretched out his back.  
  
I sighed as I tried to think up a reason why he couldn’t tell anyone, because if I told him the truth, then he would want more, and I would never be able to give more. “Because…” I began, faltering when I realised that none of the lies I had thought up were believable. “Because I enjoyed it.” I muttered, my voice so low I couldn’t be sure he heard it. “Because it felt good to be held close and I felt safe. Because you’re warm and you’re strong and you make me feel happy.”  
  
I slapped my hand over my mouth when I realised how much I had admitted, grateful that I hadn’t told him what else it made me feel.  
  
“Frank…” Gerard whispered as he climbed from my bed, his pajama pants hanging dangerously low on his hips. “Why are you crying?”  
“I’m not.” I snapped as I turned to face the window, anything to distract myself from the shrinking distance between us.  
“You are.” He muttered as he reached his thumb up, the pad brushing my cheek slowly before he pulled it away, a tear drop nestling in the crease.  
  
“Fuck off.” I snapped as I pushed him away, my breath hitching. “Don’t fucking touch me. I swear to God if you take one step closer I’ll scream.” I hissed, fighting to keep my balled up fists by my side.  
“Frank…” Gerard said, his hands raised in surrender. “I won’t come any closer, just tell me why you are crying.” He pleaded.  
“Because I… it doesn’t… I’m… it…” I stuttered, unable to form a complete sentence. “Fuck off.” I snapped as I threw myself onto my bed, burying my face in my pillows so he couldn’t see me cry.  
  
Gerard sighed softly before pulling on a t-shirt and padding towards the door. “I’ll be downstairs if you need me.” He whispered before tugging the door closed.  
  


* * *

“Frank?” Brian asked, his voice clouded with worry as he leant against the edge of my bed. “Frank, look at me.”  
“No.” I groaned into the pillows, wincing when my back tensed.  
“Frank, please look at me.” Brian pleaded.  
“No.” I groaned more forcefully.  
“Then tell me where the hell all of this blood has come from.”  
“Where do you think?” I snapped as I rolled to face Gerard’s bed, the straightened out sheets reminding me of last night.  
“You haven’t…?” He asked, knowing he didn’t need to finish the question.  
“Not on purpose.” I replied, still refusing to meet his eye.  
“Good.” He muttered as he climbed to his feet, lingering for a second longer before sighing and leaving the room.

* * *

I scrunched my eyes tighter as the light was flicked on, Gerard’s familiar scent filling the room, accompanied by another smell, an unfamiliar smell.  
  
“I bought you dinner.” He whispered as he set the tray on my desk. “We ate ages ago, but I thought you might be hungry so I made you something.”  
“Thanks.” I grunted as I squinted my eyes, looking at the worry carved into Gerard’s face.  
“You know it’s been three days?” Gerard sighed. “You’ve not eaten for three days.”  
“I don’t wanna.” I replied, like the previous times he has brought me something to eat or drink.  
  
“Frank, please. You’re starting to worry me.” Gerard pleaded, his back leaning against the desk, his arms crossed over his chest.  
“Let me go.” I sniffed, tears already threatening to spill over. “Just let me go.”  
“I’m not letting you go Frank.”  
“Stop caring about me. Let me go. I’m going to hurt you like I hurt everyone. I’m going to kill myself Gerard so don’t get attached. It’ll only hurt you.” I muttered.  
“I won’t let it happen Frank.” Gerard whispered in response.  
“Yes you will. You want to know why?” I replied. “Because I am dirty and unclean and I’ll never be able to give you what you want. I’ll never be able to have sex Gerard. I’ll never be able to give you a loving relationship because I’m never going to be clean. I’m never going to be able to forget.”  
  
“You don’t need to forget.” He whispered as he gingerly took a step towards my bed, his eyes wide when I didn’t tell him to stop. “You just need to put it behind you. You can’t let what happened rule your future Frank. They are choices you have to make and I’ll help you as much as I can, just never ever give up.”  
“It’s too late Gerard.” I whispered as I pulled the pill packets and blades out of my drawer. “This is how I’m going to do it and you can’t stop me.”  
  
Gerard’s jaw dropped as I began popping the pills from the packet and dropping them into my mouth, swallowing them dry. “I’m sorry.” I whispered as I held the blade to my inner forearm, calculating how deep I would have to cut to do some serious damage.  
  
“Frankie, please?” Gerard pleaded, his voice stopping me just as I pressed the blade to my skin. “Please don’t. I can’t lose anyone else.”  
“Why do you care?” I whimpered.  
  
Silence reigned, tears streaming down Gerard’s face as he looked at me, his cheeks flushing, his pulse visible just under his jaw line.  
  
“Do I have to tell you why I care?” He asked. “Can you not already tell?” I hesitated before shaking my head, gritting my teeth as it pounded.  
  
Gerard took a step closer to me, his hands outstretched, his eyes asking for permission. I nodded slightly and he tugged the blade from my fingers, enveloping me in a hug and resting my head under his chin. “I care Frankie. I will always care. If you really want to know why, then I’ll tell you, just don’t ever threaten to do something like that again, okay?” I nodded gently. “I love you Frank.” Gerard whispered his breath brushing my ear.  
  
“You can’t love me.” I muttered, tugging away from his embrace. “You can’t. You’re just like the rest. You only want me for one thing and you’re not getting it.” I staggered to my feet and fled from the room, my bare feet thudding gently against the carpet, my hands reaching out to steady me on the walls as I headed for Ray’s room, pushing the door open and sliding to a stop in front of his wardrobe.  
“What do you want?” Ray asked.  
“Vodka, whiskey, something strong.” I rambled as I pulled the door open.  
“In the bottom right corner, 45% Russian Vodka, take the bottle.”

* * *

I dropped to the floor in my old room, the charred carpet the only thing between me and the stone cold floor. The lid from the bottle of vodka resisted for a short amount of time before I tugged it off, throwing it away it into the corner, the clatter of the metal against stone ringing in my ears long after I brought the bottle to my lips.  
  
I swallowed huge mouthfuls at a time, wincing at the burn it left as it ran down my throat, the warm feeling spreading across my stomach, warming every inch of my body as I staggered to my feet, the half empty bottle swinging loosely from my fingertips.  
  
“Frank?” A familiar voice called from the distance, my drunken mind unable to put a name to it. “Frank, I’m sorry.” The voice pleaded as it came closer, a black haired figure filling the doorway, his hand resting on the flame scarred wood. “Frank?” He asked when he saw me swaying, my eyes swimming in the vodka. “Frank, what’s wrong?”  
“Gerard.” I slurred, pointing a finger at him. “You love me.”  
“Yes Frankie, I do. Now, please put the bottle down.” He begged. “I don’t want you to get hurt.”  
  
“Too late.” I chuckled as I staggered closer, poking Gerard in the chest with my outstretched finger. “It’s far too late for that.”  
“What do you mean?” Gerard asked, his hands either side of my shoulders, mere millimeters away from touching me.  
“You love me. You can’t love me.” I hiccuped, swaying on the spot as I raised the bottle to my lips.  
“Why not Frankie?” Gerard asked, my finger reaching out to rest on his lips.  
“Shhhh.” I giggled as I grabbed his hand and dragged him over to the bed, tugging the duvet back to reveal a clean mattress, one I had dragged up here not long after the fire. “Sit.” I ordered, pouting when Gerard hesitated. “Sit.” I said more forcefully, giggling when he jumped to action. “Good boy.” I slurred as I gently placed the bottle on the floor, my hips swaying as I walked closer, Gerard’s eyes widening. “You want?” I asked as I seductively ran my fingers over my hips, dipping my thumbs below the hem of my pants.  
“Yes.” Gerard breathed, his eyes wide, his mouth hanging open.  
“Good.” I smiled.  
  
Gerard tensed when I stood right in front of him, his breath hitching when I pushed gently on his shoulders. “Down.” I pouted, pointing to the pillows.  
“Why Frankie?” Gerard asked, my lips against his silencing him. For a moment, he didn’t kiss back, but a quick nip on his bottom lips got him kissing me, moans escaping my lips as his hands caressed my skin, running below the hem of my shirt. I groaned audibly when he tugged on my lip ring, my hips grinding down against his.  
  
“Frank stop.” Gerard ordered as he pushed me back, scrambling to sit up before I could kiss him again.  
“Why?” I whimpered, dipping my whole hand into my pants and circling my growing erection. “You know you want it.”  
“Yes, but you don’t Frank. You’re drunk. I can’t take advantage of you.” He muttered, trying to shuffle away when I crawled towards him, my hand on the front of his jeans stopping him in his tracks. “Frank. Stop.”  
“But Gerard…” I pouted, sitting up suddenly.  
“What’s wrong?” Gerard asked just as I hung my head over the side of the bed, vomit spewing forth from my lips. “Fuck.” He muttered as he gently rubbed my back, his hand on my shoulder supporting my weight as I heaved more, choking on my own puke. “Let’s get you to bed.” Gerard muttered as he picked me up, carrying me bridal style towards the other end of the house,

* * *

Sunlight streamed in through the window, my head pounding as I looked around the room. My eyes landed on Gerard, curled up on his bed, still fully dressed. Even though I was drunk, I still remembered what I did and my cheeks flushed red as I watched him, my eyes raking over every inch of his skin.  
  
I climbed out of bed and held onto the end until I caught my balance, stumbling slightly as I closed the gap between mine and Gerard’s bed, landing with a slight thump just in front of him. I slowly slid up the bed, tucking myself under Gerard’s arm, my back against his chest, my head just under his chin.  
  
“You’re awake.” He stated, his arms tugging me closer.  
“It wasn’t the alcohol.” I whispered. “Well, it was, but it wasn’t.” I tried to explain, my voice shaking when I realised how badly I was fucking it up.  
“What d’ya mean?” Gerard asked as he loosened his grip on my chest and let me go.  
“Last night.” I muttered as I rolled over to look at him. “I wanted to kiss you anyway, but the alcohol took away my choice, and yours and I’m sorry.” I climbed to my feet and staggered back to my bed, angrily wiping the tears from my cheeks, but a hand on my wrist stopped me getting too far away.  
  
“Frank.” Gerard whispered, his eyes on my as I spun around. “Don’t apologise.” He muttered.  
“I… uh…” I stammered, unsure of what to say. When no words came, I shut my mouth and took a step closer, my heart hammering against my ribcage as I tilted my head, resting my left hand on Gerard’s cheek. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, grateful that Gerard stood still.  
  
Once I had composed myself, I tiptoed slightly and pressed my lips against his, careful not to do anything rash, or harsh. The kiss lasted seconds before I pulled away, my cheeks on fire, tears streaking down them.  
  
“Frankie, what’s wrong?” Gerard asked, worry etched on his face.  
“I’m sorry I can’t love you like you want me to.” I whispered, my arms folded protectively over my chest.  
“I don’t care.” Gerard muttered as he stepped closer, his eyes asking an unspoken question. I nodded and leant into his embrace, tensing when his lips touched my temple. “I won’t hurt you Frank. I promise you that right now.” He whispered, pulling back slightly so he could look at me, his forehead against mine.  
  
I tilted my head again, pressing my lips to Gerard’s, my hands reaching up to cup his cheeks, Gerard’s tight on my waist as he pulled me against him. This time, the kiss lasted longer before I pulled away, tears streaking down my face, memories flashing in front of my eyes, my heart pounding in fear.  
  
“Don’t come any closer.” I hissed as he took a step towards me. “Gerard, please, just…leave me alone.” I whimpered.  
“What have I done Frank?” He asked, worried.  
“I don’t want to remember.” I cried as I kept backing up, my knees meeting my mattress as I toppled over, landing with a thud on the floor the opposite side.  
  
I curled into a ball, my head in my hands, my knees against my chest, heart breaking sobs echoing around the room.  
  
Footsteps echoed through the room as people came running down the corridor, Danny being the first one to crash through the floor. “What’s wrong?” He asked Gerard just as Amy and Tay ran into the room. “What happened?”  
“I...I don’t know.” Gerard muttered as Amy crouched down beside me.  
“Frank, honey, look at me.” She soothed, reaching out to touch my shoulder.  
  
“Get the fuck off me.” I hissed as I shied away, my back pressed against the cold wood of the dresser behind me.  
“Frank, what’s wrong?” Amy pushed, looking at Tay for help.  
  
More footsteps thudded down the hall, distracting everyone long enough for me to grab the knife from under my bed, the cold metal biting into the skin of my neck. Tay gasped as she saw me, drawing the attention of the growing crowd. “Frank, put the knife down.” Pleaded Tay, her voice shaking with fear.  
“I can’t.” I whimpered. “It hurts too much Tay. I can’t remember all this, not now. Not when it’ll hurt someone else.”  
“Who’ll it hurt Frank?” Tay quizzed, her eyes wide with caring.  
“Gerard.” I muttered so only she could hear. “It’ll hurt Gerard.”  
  
Gerard’s eyes widened and he threw himself across my bed, landing on the floor in front of me. “Frankie, please don’t. Please look at me.” He begged. “Whatever’s wrong, we can talk about it. Just… don’t do anything stupid Frankie. Give me the knife.” He pleaded, tears threatening to spill over. I dropped the knife to the floor and slid it to Tay before throwing myself at Gerard, wrapping my arms around his waist and burying my face in his shoulder, my sobs echoing around the room. “It’s okay, I’ve got you.” He soothed, his hands resting gently on my back, his fingers brushing the bare skin where my t-shirt had ridden up. “I won’t let anything happen to you Frankie.”  
“I’m sorry.” I sobbed, a collective gasp coming from the group in the doorway as I pressed my lips to Gerard’s. “I’m so so sorry.”  
  
I buried my face in his neck again, shaking with the force of the sobs. Brian’s voice echoed as he cleared everyone out, ordering them to move or they would lose privileges. “Call me if you need me.” He muttered before he pulled the door closed, leaving me and Gerard alone.

* * *

Gerard helped me to my feet and led me down the stairs, Ben’s eyes following us as we took our normal seat in the dining room. “Fuck you.” He hissed, taking the seat next to me. “You won’t fuck me but you’ll kiss him by choice? What kind of fucked up person are you?” I tried to ignore him, my eyes on Gerard across the table, begging for help. “Huh? Are you not gonna answer me? Well that sucks, I’ll have to force an answer.” He sneered as he forced his lips onto mine.  
  
This time I reacted.  
  
I reached my hand up and wrapped it around Ben’s throat, squeezing until he let go, his eyes bulging. “No-one gets to touch me unless I want them to. No-one but Gerard gets to kiss me and no-one but Gerard gets to touch me like  _that_.” I spat as I threw him to the floor before straddling him and raining punches down on his face.  
  
Blood flew from my knuckles as I drew my fist back, preparing to drop it down again, a firm grip on my wrist preventing me from doing so. “Get off me.” I snapped as I turned around, throwing a punch before I realised who it was, Gerard’s eyes wide and he tried to stop the flow of blood.  
  
“Gerard.” I whispered, my voice soft as I looked at him, my hands hanging limply by my sides as Cameron and Sam dragged Ben away, throwing in a few choice words about what happened. “Gerard, I’m so sorry.” I whispered, reaching my hand out to brush his cheek.  
“I know Frank.” He muttered as he turned to leave the room, blood dripping onto the tiles behind him.

* * *

A primal scream left my lips as I threw yet another book at the wall, my body shaking with anger as I slid down the wall, tears staining the denim of my pants.  
  
I could hear people talking outside the door, the voices changing every now and then as they tried to get me to unlock it, my safety their number one concern. “Frank.” Brian began.  
“Fuck off!” I yelled and threw a book at the door to emphasise my point.  
“You have a visitor.” He stated.  
“Well they can fuck off as well.” I snapped, throwing another book at the door.  
  
“Frank, can I come in?” Doctor Fields voice called from the other side of the wood, stopping my scream mid flow.  
“No!” I yelled. “You can fuck off like the rest of them.”  
“Frank, please. This is what I was trying to avoid. You’re regressing Frank. You’re undoing all that hard work you’ve put in.” He spoke evenly.  
“I don’t care!” I shouted as I dropped to the floor and pulled Gerard’s hoodie over my shoulders. “Gerard hates me so I don’t care!”  
“Why don’t you care? What makes this Gerard so special?” Doctor Fields asked me, causing my brain to start working overtime for an answer  
  
“You like him don’t you Frank? You think you need his approval to be okay don’t you?” Doctor FIelds asked.  
“No.” I replied too quickly for it to sound genuine.  
“Tell me the truth Frank. I can’t help you if you don’t.”  
“I think…” I paused, not sure if I should say it or not.  
“You think what Frank?”  
“I think….” I mumbled the rest too low for Doctor Fields to hear, to low for me to hear over my pounding heart.  
“Do you want me to bring Gerard here? Do you think you would be able to tell him?”  
“No!” I shouted, curling into a ball, my head in my lap, my eyelids heavy.  
  
“Can you at least unlock the door?” Doctor Fields asked. “That way we know you are okay.” I hesitated before climbing to my feet and twisting the lock.  
“Keep it closed.” I ordered as I walked back to my spot between the beds.  
“Okay Frank, just promise me something.”  
“What?” I asked hesitantly.  
“Promise me you won’t hurt yourself.”  
“I promise.” I whispered as I lowered my head into my lap again, my eyes drooping from the stress and the tears that I had shed.


	4. What must I do?

My heart thudded against my ribcage as I looked at the door, Dr Fields silent on the other side. “Do you mean it Frank?” He asked, his voice filled with concern.  
“Yeah.” I sighed, knowing the lie would tear everyone apart.  
“Can I open the door now Frank?”  
“Yeah.” I grunted as I wrapped my arms around my knees and tugged them to my chest.  
  
“Frank?” Dr Fields asked, his face filled with worry when I looked up, my pale and blotchy face tear streaked and gaunt. “What’s wrong?”  
“I don’t care about him. I can’t care about him.” I whispered, burying my face in my knees.  
“Why not Frank?”  
“Because he wants what everyone else wanted.” I explained, fighting the words past the lump forming in my throat.  
“How do you know? Have you asked him?” I shook my head and staggered to my feet, stumbling towards the door on wobbly legs. “Where are you going?”  
“For a walk.” I replied, heading towards the staircase.

* * *

“Frank?” Gerard called as I pushed past him, his words falling on deaf ears as I walked to my sanctuary.  
  
I could hear him trying to follow me, but I knew that he wouldn’t get too close, that he would give me space to breath. My breath misted in the cold air, my arms wrapped tight around my chest as I walked through the building, towards the very top, the room with no walls, the place where I could stare out across the grounds and disappear.  
  
My footsteps echoed on the stone floor as I stumbled up the steps, birds singing in the waning light, my breath coming in gasps as the cold shook me to my core. Tears stung my cheeks as the fled from my eyes, the slow thud of my heart showing the world the emotions I chose never to reveal to anyone.  
  
I watched as the stars appeared in the sky one by one, tiny specks of light in a dark and hopeless world, a place I didn’t want to be.  
  
“I’m sober.” I whispered as footsteps approached me, hesitating in the doorway. “I promise.”  
“Good.” Gerard muttered in reply.  
“I’m sorry for punching you. I didn’t know it was you and I didn’t mean to hurt you.”  
“Frank, don’t. Don’t apologise to me.” He breathed against my ear, his footsteps silent as he backed away again.  
“I have to apologise though.” I turned to face him. “Dr Fields was trying to get me to admit to him how I feel, but I know how I feel.”  
“Then tell me.” Gerard asked. “Tell me how you feel.”  
  
“This, us… I want it, but it won’t work Gerard, not now, not ever.”  
“Why?” He asked as he stepped closer again, his hands outstretched, reaching towards mine which were still hanging limply by my side.  
“Because it won’t Gerard. I can’t give you what you deserve. What will you get out of this? A shell, that’s what. That is all you’ll ever get. I won’t be able to let you touch me, I won’t be able to make love. I’ll never be able to do any of that.” I took a deep breath, fighting to get the words past the lump I had formed as a barrier. “I won’t be able to be the boyfriend that you want Gerard. You want someone happy and someone who can smile without it being fake. I’m not that Gerard. I’m fighting to die. I’m fighting to disappear forever. I don’t want to be here and I’ll do anything it takes to leave. I’ll take whatever route I need to to do that. I’ll find a way Gerard and even my love for you won’t stop that. I’m sorry Gerard. I really am.”  
  
“Frank?” Gerard’s voice was filled with pain, his eyes filling with unshed tears.  
“I’m sorry.” I whispered as I let go of his hands and stepped back, my arms spiralling as I reached the edge of the floor.  
“Frank, listen to me before you do anything stupid.” Gerard pleaded. “Trust me okay? Trust me.” I hesitated, my heart thumping as I thought of the yawning expanse behind me, before nodding slightly, tilting my chin towards the stars as my eyes scanned for my favourite constellation. “I’ll never let you get hurt. I’ll never let you feel like you’re worthless or that no-one out there loves you because they do, you just need to find them. There are people out there that will do anything to be near you because you make them happy but you haven’t found them yet. I’ll do anything for you Frank. I’ll do anything to make you smile because I know how much it hurts to have no-one.” He took a deep breath before carrying on, his eyes filled with tears. “Frank, I love you okay? I’ll help you fight past everything that’s hurting you if you let me. I’ll help you do whatever it is that you want Frank, just let me love you?”  
  
I stared at Gerard, a lump forming in the back of my throat. Stepping forwards, I wiped the tears from my eyes and looked expectantly up at Gerard. “If you let me love you back?” I asked, holding a hand out towards him.  
“Of course I will Frank. I’ll always let you love me.” He grinned, stepping closer to me. “Can I kiss you?”  
  
I didn’t respond, my heart thudding in my chest. Gerard looked at me patiently, waiting for me to make up my mind. After my heart had calmed down, I closed my eyes and nodded, trying hard to untense my muscles as Gerard closed the gap between us.  
  
He gently placed a hand behind my neck, tilting my face to meet his, his lips brushing hesitantly over mine, a sense of urgency taking over. I wrapped my arms around Gerard’s neck and pressed my chest to his, our hearts thudding in sync.  
  
“Fuck.” I muttered as I stepped back, my breathing ragged as I looked at Gerard.  
“I’m sorry Frank.” Gerard said, panic etched on his face. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean… oh god Frank, please don’t…”  
  
He lunged forwards as I lost my footing, my arms spiralling as I fell backwards. “I’ve got you Frank.” He cried as my body swung towards the building. “I’m not letting go Frank.”  
“You have to Gerard.” I sobbed. “Don’t you see? This is how it’s meant to be. You’re meant to let go and move on and be there for your brother when he wakes up. I’m meant to hit the floor now and that’s how it’ll stay Gerard.”  
“Please don’t!” He yelled, tightening his grip on my wrist. “Fuck Frank, you made me talk again. Do you know how many people have tried and failed to get me to talk? You can’t just leave me.”  
“I can’t hold on Gerard. My arm, it hurts…” I whispered, stomach acid burning the back of my throat.  
“I’m not letting go.” Promised Gerard as he pulled harder and harder, my stomach sliding over the edge of the building.  
  
“I’ve got you.” Gerard muttered into my ear as he cradled me to his chest.  
“You know I’m scared of heights?” I whispered as I leant into the embrace. “I’m also afraid of getting close to someone who cares about me as much as I do. That’s why you’re gonna walk back to the safe part of the building like nothing happened and then you’re gonna act like I haven’t just told you I’d die for you.”  
“You’d die for me?” Gerard asked, his eyes wide.  
“Yeah, I guess I would. But you can’t ever act like I care about you outside now okay? You have to understand that I can’t care for you because I’ll hurt you and if I hurt you, I’ll be hurting myself and I can’t drop back to that again, okay?”  
“I love you Frank.” Gerard muttered, pressing a kiss to my cheek before standing up and throwing a longing look over his shoulder.  
“I love you way more than I’ll ever admit.” I muttered as he left.


End file.
